An analysis of my favorite lyrical history battles
Below is a factual, objective, totally correct ranking of the best Epic Rap Battles of History. Although you cannot dispute it, the joy is in trying.
Before we begin, some honorable mentions...
Tony Hawk vs. Wayne Gretzky
The Joker vs. Pennywise
Artists vs. TMNT
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for...
10: Blackbeard vs. Al Capone
In what I believe is the most underrated ERB of the collection, Blackbeard and Capone put on an enjoyable show mixed with a nice beat. Every line is well crafted, and although there’s no knock out punch, I enjoy that each verse is a strong showing with no clear weakness of either contestant.
Best line: “Rap so hard call me Al…Dente”
9. Teddy Roosevelt vs. Winston Churchill
Two of the manliest men ever going at it? Yes please! The more I listened to this one, the more I loved it, and although Winston reused the same pose every time (the cigar to mouth) the lines more than make up for it. BIG ups to the performance of Epic Lloyd here, who I think puts in his best acting job of the ERB saga with his portrayal of our 26th president.
Best Line: “Bully! A challenge! I love competition!” If not only for the fact I dig anyone who goes hard with anti-trust.
8. J.R.R. Tolkien vs. George R.R. Martin
An absolute banger of a season intro (season 5), this battle delivers joy over three verses each. RR Martin does well, but as Home Simpson once said, “there’s no shame in losing to the best.” Tolkien absolutely goes in on this one and the literary references littered throughout is a treat for any fantasy fan.
Best Line: “Your book sales got nothing to say. I’m number one and two, you’re under Fifty Shades of Gray.”
7. Mitt Romney vs. Barack Obama
If Number 1 (to be revealed soon) got us big-time fans into ERB, this is the one that got casual fans interested. This battle is the most viewed ERB ever, and for good reason. Even though it goes a bit downhill after the first verses for each candidate, the hardcore beat mixed with the just-as-hardcore lines make this a fan favorite. Bringing two extremely relevant people (especially at the time) into a rap battle was genuinely a thrill, and Lincoln dropping in at the end was awesome.
Best Line: “[You’re] So white and rich it’s like I’m running against a cheesecake!”
6. Boba Fett vs. Deadpool
The best verse in all of ERB goes to Boba Fett’s final verse of this battle. The acting, the voices, the dancing, and even the special effects make this one of the best.
Best Line: “You stole Spider Man’s eyes and Snake Eyes’ weapons, you’ve got Wolverines powers, man you’re comic sloppy seconds.”
5. Gandhi vs. Martin Luther King Jr.
You won’t find another battle that packs so much into so little. At less than two minutes running time, Key and Peele are phenomenal (especially compared to their other battle). You gotta love the mutual respect at the end.
4. Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton
The follow up to Barack Obama vs. Mitt Romney did not disappoint. Since there is so much dirt on both candidates, the lines were likely easier to conjure up, but that doesn’t take away from the fact they nailed it throughout.
Best Line: “Let me just say I respect all females, but your rhymes are trash…put ’em next to your emails.”
3. Hitler vs. Vader 2
The best of the trilogy, this battle rates highly due to the fame of the Hitler v. Vader saga with the great lines of part 2. You have to love the set up of Vader thawing out Hitler, but that’s about as good as it got for our favorite Sith Lord (until the very end) as Hitler dropped bars hotter than Mustafar. A good fight from both sides, but Hitler took the high ground in the end.
Best Line: “Think you’re powerful with your finger neck pinches? You couldn’t even get your own son into the family business!”
2. Steve Jobs vs. Bill Gates
From the moment Jobs had to ‘step right in,’ you knew this was going to be good. The beat is amazing and seeing two of the smartest men in history going at it while still respecting each other put on for a great show. Not to mention…Linux went hard – His/Her/Their flow was impeccable.
Best Line: “I’ll beat ya in 17 lines of code…” – a callout to the fact Linux had 17 lines in the song.
1. Einstein vs. Stephen Hawking
IT HAD TO BE! The rap battle that every hardcore fan loves and adores. Maybe not the best line of line in the entire saga of ERB, but the one that put the series on the map. Not to mention, giving Stephen Hawking the auto tune is the most original idea ever, and they knocked it out of the park. Cheers to, in my opinion, the best ERB there is.
Best Line: “There are ten million million million million million million million million million particles in the universe that we can observe. Your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd.
To end...some special mentions to some great lines
Most Clever Line
Most Oddly Specific yet Extremely Satisfying Line
Line That is So Dumb but Makes Me Laugh out Loud Every Time
“”I’m as dope as two rappers, you better be scared. ‘Cause that means Albert E = MC Squared!”
– Einstein
“My name is Pablo Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuenco Maria de los Remedios Cipriano de la Sentisima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso”
– Pablo Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuenco Maria de los Remedios Cipriano de la Sentisima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso
“Nice hat, dork. You look like a duck.”
– Batman
